Maybe I don't Care.

I attended my Department Meeting today. I was told that next week I have to administer a practice CAPT to my 10th and 9th graders. I also have to administer a CAPT like exam to my seniors, providing those who did not pass the CAPT and opportunity to demonstrate learning.

After the meeting I discussed, well it turned out to be more like an argument, about some of the questions I have about how our school operates. Remember, I am new this year, but I have taught for four years. It's not that my previous district did everything perfectly; I questioned many of the initiatives implemented there. I process the value of all things new by questioning it at first--my doubt is the ants in the pants of leadership.
But really, I just know from my previous experience that procedures and sequence could be done better at my new school. I thought that I care enough about my new students to ask the tough questions that I feel could benefit them--and me at the same time.

So, my discussion with a colleague turned into something that resembled an argument. I came across as a know-it-all (Okay, I'll admit it, I am confident enough in my thought process to believe that I am usually right.) I came across as not wanting to work hard for the students at this school because I don't see the value of providing my administrators with lesson plan outlines for every period of every day (I've never had to this, so it seems like extra work to me.)

But what if it's true? What if I am lazy and uncaring? Maybe I am too pretentious and won't feel content here. Sure, I'll admit to not enjoying spending 80% of my time managing my seniors who still think it's acceptable to throw paper balls at each other the second I turn my back to help a student with a question. I'll admit to not enjoying the daily struggle to get my freshmen to come to class with their notebooks and pencils. I'll admit to not enjoying when my sophomores blurt out "you're stupid; no you're stupid" in the middle of partner work.
I am not ready to admit to not caring about the students; but then again, what if I don't?