Thursday, July 28, 2005

Hell's Classroom

In my last post, a commentor gave me a fantastic idea: get an agent and start a reality show. But considering I am poor, and I don't say that only because I'm a teacher, I will have to function as my own agent. If a sadistic chef from Britain can have a reality show, then why can't I.
Episode 1:
Music intro begins, playing Superman by Five for Fighting. An old tired looking male with thick-rimmed glasses stands in front of an overhead projector. A few students are visible, hoods pulled over their head, faces full of boredom. A graphic flashes across the screen, Frederick K. Dever: Math. A fresh looking face now jumps onto the screen. She is energetic and her eyes are vibrant. The camera pans around her room focusing on the students who are grouped in collaborative learning teams. They seem to be working. Maxine Young: Biology. Another young face appears, a confused and dumbfounded look washes his face. The camera wraps around him to see what he sees; a student stands on the desk holding a sign that reads, "I'm Rick James $!#ch." Mr. McNamar: 9th Grade Reading and Writing for the WASL English. The music continues as the view leaves the classroom door to the empty hallway, out the doors to the New Year's Blimp view. (Goes to Commercial--Sponsors: Staples; Microsoft; Honda Hybrids; NEA; Democratic National Party;Coca-Cola)

Scene 1:
(The three teachers sit around a conference table. The school's principal Mrs. Pawn enters)
Mrs. Pawn--Welcome to A.Y.P High School! The next year will be a tremendous opportunity for you to demonstrate your best practices in regard to your specific content area. But before we get you settled in your classrooms, you will have a first day competition.
Mrs. Young--Oh yes! I told you guys we'd get a competition right away! Yeah!
Mr. Dever--Uh, if I might ask, is this in our collective bargaining agreement?
Mr. McNamar--What does best practice mean?
*Commercial: Microsoft
Scene 2:
(The three teacher are in NEA sweatsuits)
Mr. Merkel--Okay guys, and girl. I am the head janitor. Today, you will have to sprint through the building, pushing a shopping cart. As you go through, you must purchase enough supplies for the first quarter. Staples cashiers are ready to help. When you finish, you will then have to find your classroom. Once you locate it, you will have to sprint back to the office to get keys from the office manager, sprint back, and then remove all of the junk that is in it. The first one to clean out their room and have enough supplies for the first quarter wins this prize sponsored by Staples. (The Camera shows a wall calendar)

The three teachers take off, running from here to there. Mrs. Young gets the shopping cart full first, followed by Mr. McNamar. But Mr. McNamar is broke and can't afford all the necessary stuff. But no worry. The NEA has a loan booth waiting. But the process takes too long and the old Mr. Dever eeks into second place. Mrs. Youn wins the calendar.
*Commercial: Coca-Cola
Scene 3:
(The teachers are back in the staff room, tuckered out from the race.)

Mr. McNamar: Man, that was tough. That janitor guy is going to be a pain in the butt.
Mrs. Young: You know, when I was in a Foundations of Education class, my professor said to take care of the janitors and the secretaries. I've got myself set-up.
Mr. Dever: I'm too old for this. I didn't realize I'd be the only retire-rehire. At least I'm getting paid double what you guys make! (Exits)
Mr. McNamar: Dang, that is some b.s. That old man makes double what we make and we're gonna run circles around him in the classroom. I'd bag on the Union right now, but they're a sponsor!
Mrs. Young: Do you want to form an alliance? We could be like Rob and Amber from Survivor.
Mr. McNamar: Well, an alliance is fine, but I think more along the lines of 50 Cent and the Game.
*Commercial: Honda
Scene 4:
(Each teacher is seen working in their classroom, preparing for the first day of school)
Mr. McNamar--(talking to himself outloud): Where did I put that calendar? I need the curriculum map. Okay, here we go...day one, syllabus. Day two, reading assessment? Are you kidding me? Two days of testing in the first week? And two more in the second week? Nothing like getting to know your kids! I can't focus. I still have another week, I think I'll go get some lunch.
(Switch to Mr. Dever's room)
Mr. Dever is plodding through the first chapter of the Algebra 1 book. He peruses his files from the previous 15 years of teaching, yawns, grabs his coffee and blows his nose. He looks to the camera and says "In teaching math, it is imperative that my numbers stay below 30. I don't want to have the same issues I had at my last school."
(Switch to Mrs. Young's room)
Mrs. Young--(to the camera): Oh hi guys. Come on in. I'm sorry, but I couldn't wait to get my bulletin board up. I hope you don't mind that I did it already. But here, I'm working on some lesson plans, developing objectives and anticipatory sets. Did you guys see Mr. McNamar leave already. He's going to struggle getting done on time."

The three classrooms appear on the screen as the foreboding music starts.

Voiceover: Will Mr. Dever have more than 30 students? Can Mr. McNamar stay focused long enough to get ready for the first day? What will become of Mrs. Young and her proposed alliance? Tune in next week as our Hell's Classroom teachers face their students for the first time!

4 Comments:

At 10:37 AM , Anonymous kathy said...

{{laughing and rolling in the aisles}} and a bit terrified!

And a cut, I demand a cut of the profits!
And you know, EVERY, I'm talking EVERYone, has a reality show out there. It is only a matter of time...

k ;-)

 
At 3:20 AM , Blogger Mrs. Ris said...

Genius!

It warms my heart that summer leaves you with the creative juices to come up with this great stuff. Do you think you'd be able to do this is November or Feb

HA! Congrats!

 
At 5:48 AM , Blogger Keith said...

Good stuff, man!

And extra points for finding a way to work in a Mr. Merkel reference. He sounded just like the real Mr. Merkel would have.

 
At 8:44 AM , Blogger Mr. McNamar said...

Mrs. Ris,

I think I could come up with it, only a more sardonic tone would come out or I'd just be too lazy to write it!

 

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