Which Lens do I wear?
How does a teacher change his perspective? Meaning, when I moved to Connecticut, I left a tremendous school. I wasn't fond of the district all of the time, but I loved teaching at the school. It never occurred to me that I might not fit into my new school.
Here I am, a few days before the end of the marking period, and I don't feel comfortable yet. Moving beyond colleague and into friendship has proved difficult. The four years of experience seem to have no real connection.
I feel bad. I feel like I am not giving my all, as if I am holding back because I haven't felt accepted. My drives home are negative. I hate it. I hate that I don't come home with a positive attitude. I hate that I don't arrive in the morning feeling like nothing else could make me that happy--I miss that feeling.
And worst of all, I feel like I am letting these students down. Don't they deserve my best? And yet, I am selfish enough to ask the reciprocal question, don't I deserve their best?
posted by Mr. McNamar @ 3:36 PM
3 Comments
3 Comments:
Hi there,
I know that feeling all too well. As a matter of fact, I believe MOST of us teachers feel, have felt, or will feel exactly as you do.
I did my one year of student teaching, and was hired for a 6 month position at that school. Then, I relocated, changed schools, and I too tried to fit in. It's been hard coming for me.
I've now been at my school for 2 years and 3 months. And just NOW I'm beginning to click and make connections. However, I can't say I have "real" friendships there. I believe it takes a long time and the right "parts" for that to click. For me, I made an effort to go to the cafeteria more (which I confess I rarely go to now). I made an effort to get involved, which meant more responsibility. However, it was how I made myself visible. And it didn't only surprise me, but it surprised colleagues as well. I received comments like, "WOW Tamara, I had no idea of who you were".
I guess my long winded point is, are you making yourself visible?
Oh brother. I'm living that now, too. I made an error in a summer institute that I have not ever recovered from, and the staff I work with distrusts me. Actually it wasn't an error. Someone used language that was inappropriate to me...I mean the bad, p word. I mentioned it to my boss, who promptly told the whole group. Ick.
I try to go into the lounge, but it is abusive at times. And yes, it did spill out on the students.
I will never ever gossip about *that* person who hides out in his room during lunch. I'm living that now.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Yes, absolutely, you deserve your students' best. It sounds as if you're not getting it. I know what that's like. It's hard. Very hard.
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