Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Which Lens do I wear?

How does a teacher change his perspective? Meaning, when I moved to Connecticut, I left a tremendous school. I wasn't fond of the district all of the time, but I loved teaching at the school. It never occurred to me that I might not fit into my new school.
Here I am, a few days before the end of the marking period, and I don't feel comfortable yet. Moving beyond colleague and into friendship has proved difficult. The four years of experience seem to have no real connection.
I feel bad. I feel like I am not giving my all, as if I am holding back because I haven't felt accepted. My drives home are negative. I hate it. I hate that I don't come home with a positive attitude. I hate that I don't arrive in the morning feeling like nothing else could make me that happy--I miss that feeling.
And worst of all, I feel like I am letting these students down. Don't they deserve my best? And yet, I am selfish enough to ask the reciprocal question, don't I deserve their best?

3 Comments:

At 6:21 PM , Anonymous Tamara Eden said...

Hi there,

I know that feeling all too well. As a matter of fact, I believe MOST of us teachers feel, have felt, or will feel exactly as you do.

I did my one year of student teaching, and was hired for a 6 month position at that school. Then, I relocated, changed schools, and I too tried to fit in. It's been hard coming for me.

I've now been at my school for 2 years and 3 months. And just NOW I'm beginning to click and make connections. However, I can't say I have "real" friendships there. I believe it takes a long time and the right "parts" for that to click. For me, I made an effort to go to the cafeteria more (which I confess I rarely go to now). I made an effort to get involved, which meant more responsibility. However, it was how I made myself visible. And it didn't only surprise me, but it surprised colleagues as well. I received comments like, "WOW Tamara, I had no idea of who you were".

I guess my long winded point is, are you making yourself visible?

 
At 8:38 PM , Blogger Ms. V. said...

Oh brother. I'm living that now, too. I made an error in a summer institute that I have not ever recovered from, and the staff I work with distrusts me. Actually it wasn't an error. Someone used language that was inappropriate to me...I mean the bad, p word. I mentioned it to my boss, who promptly told the whole group. Ick.

I try to go into the lounge, but it is abusive at times. And yes, it did spill out on the students.

I will never ever gossip about *that* person who hides out in his room during lunch. I'm living that now.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 
At 4:55 PM , Blogger CaliforniaTeacherGuy said...

Yes, absolutely, you deserve your students' best. It sounds as if you're not getting it. I know what that's like. It's hard. Very hard.

 

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