Monday, March 12, 2007

Mr. Beetest's Physical Education

Sacramento, Calif.--When Sacramento Public Schools hired Mr. Beetest to head their Physical Education Department, they had high hopes for raising the level of activity amongst the student population. What they didn't expect was a violent tempered man ready to lay "the smackdown" on all their "candy asses." It began a few years ago-- the first signs that Mr. Beetest might have an anger management problem, or at least a sense of "untouchable superstar." At the time, Mr. Beetest was teaching in Indiana. He had become upset that a few of his students in class were not doing sit-ups fast enough. When he stopped class to demonstrate the proper technique, one student lobbed a jelly donut at Mr. Beetest. The donut splattered the gym floor with jelly, some landing square on Mr. Beetest's neatly pressed warm-up suit. Mr. Beetest exploded with fury. He charged the students and took a few swings. The other teachers who had been on staff with Mr. Beetest also jumped in the mix to protect this rising star in the district. Baffled by the outburst, more students entered the fracas, also hurling donuts and eclairs on Mr. Beetest and the other teachers as they exited into their office just outside the locker room. School officials recognized a media frenzy was about to descend on their school, so they quickly suspended Mr. Beetest for the remainder of the year. He would later apologize by writing poetry for the local coffee house. Eventually, Sacramento Public Schools came calling. They were in need of a marquee teacher that could thwart the rising levels of obesity in their students. Mr. Beetest, despite the baggage that came along, clearly was the answer. With his reputation on the mend, Mr. Beetest went about his business. Until one day he allegedly slapped his wife. SPS was forced to suspend him; but soon they realized that the California State Fitness Exit Exam was fast approaching. If they didn't have Mr. Beetest, they might not make AYP for reducing the number of fat kids in their district. So, despite inciting a riot at a school in Indiana, and allegedly slapping his wife; SPS accepted Mr. Beetest's apology for face value--something his wife allegedly has little of--and brought him back. Only time will tell if SPS will meet AYP, but with Mr. Beetest back in the gym, the prospects look good.

*Inspired by a true story.


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